I Am Dr. Anthony Fauci and I Think I’m On To Something

Citizens, pundits and fellow scientists have watched in horror as President Trump returned to the campaign trail, unmasked and in close proximity to aides, supporters and Secret Service agents. How can he do this? I’m asked, and while at first I shared many American’s alarm at this apparently reckless behavior, I now understand the threat is overstated.

In a nifty bit of lateral thinking, I put aside science and turned to thirty years of tabloid history. What I learned caused a zen-like calm to descend over me as I realized that the man who I thought was a super-spreader of SARS-CoV-2 is, in fact, incapable of hosting the virus. There is a simple reason, demonstrated multiple times and documented in the pages of The National Enquirer, other supermarket weeklies and TMZ.com.

Everything Trump touches dies, including:

  • Casinos.
  • Marriages.
  • Careers.
  • The USFL.
  • Reputations.
  • Relationships.
  • Alliances.
  • Economies.
  • Food and beverage brands.
  • Charities.
  • Jeffrey Epstein.
  • Real estate deals.
  • A search engine.
  • An airline.
  • Countless scams big and small.
  • And yes, SARS-CoV-2.

In the same way that an unstoppable money-printing enterprise like a casino can hemorrhage red ink and die after close contact with Mr. Trump, so has SARS-CoV-2 been brought to its metaphorical knees.

I have directed my subordinates to immediately start research into processing his unique qualities into a serum that can be administered to the entire population, I must warn Americans that this wonder cure will not be available immediately, as we must first put safeguards in place to insure that this essence of Trump doesn’t inadvertently kill the entire pharmaceutical industry.