Pandemic Journal, Entry 1: My Hobby

We all need hobbies during this pandemic and mine is holding Fidel Castro-length press conferences in my front yard each evening. If you have friends in the media, please share this with them because all I’m getting are well-meaning comments from my neighbors. Like, “Turn that megaphone off! It’s 10 PM!” Or, “I’m calling the police!”

But I persist. 

My press conferences will continue as long as the pandemic confines us to our homes. Or at least until our governor sees the error of his ways and, brought to his senses by 25 bellowing Christians in full tactical gear, allows us to exercise our constitutional right to walk around Best Buy dreaming of 4K TVs that unemployment have put just out of reach. 

In case you missed last night’s press conference, which ended sooner than planned thanks to “enhanced law enforcement presence,” here’s the transcript:

Me (Muffled): Is this thing on? Did you remember to buy batteries?
Beth: This is a very bad idea. Shut up and come inside. 
Me (at the top of my lungs): Members of the mainstream media, liars and believers in “science”, I have all the power. 

(I hold up a picture of Vince Offer. Google him.)

I am using that power to nominate and confirm ‘Muricas new Economic Vitality Czar. He was not my first choice, but after my people shared with me the unfortunate news that Larry Vaughn is not a real person, I made the snap, perfect decision that Vince is the man to lead us back to Dow 20,000. I can’t wait for him to read about my decision on Twitter and come crawling to join my team. 

You’re welcome. 

I’ll now take questions. But not nasty ones. 

Neighbor: STFU!

Me: My mouth will not STFU until it’s uncovered by N95 masks that don’t exist.

Neighbor: I’m calling the cops. 

Me: Tell them I thank them for their service. 

(Long period of awkward silence. Sound of beer bottle shattering in street. Sirens. Lots of sirens.)