Pandemic Journal Entry 16: I’ve got some bad news but you’ll have to subscribe to my Patreon to hear it

Friends tell me there’s enough bad news in the world but I think they’re focused only on quantity and are missing the bigger picture. Yes, there is bad news everywhere we turn: COVID-19, unemployment, corruption, murder hornets, etcetera. But what’s missing is a handcrafted, curated approach to bad news.

As a lifelong connoisseur of bad news, I’m uniquely positioned to provide subscribers with targeted, relevant and impactful bad news. In my life I’ve received bad news and given it. I’ve been a bystander to the delivery of bad news. I’ve intercepted, deleted, ignored and wasted bad news. And now I’m ready to sell it.

I hear you: Why would you pay to receive bad news when you get your fill from the Internet? Simple: I provide personalized bad news that you can adapt to your lifestyle, just by changing subscription levels.

For a mere $5 per month, I’ll share bad news that will mildly irritate you but not change your life in any way whatsoever. For example, I might share that your neighbor’s dog was the one that shit in your yard six months ago. Double your subscription to $10 per month and you’ll get the news by voicemail.

For $25 a month, I’ll interview your friends and family members and share weekly nuggets of bad news. Your kid got straight D’s in school last semester. The document you’ve been looking for got thrown out with the garbage. That sort of thing.

If you’re ready for a swift kick in the nuts, subscribe at the $200 level and get express bad news. Your wife is leaving you for her dentist and taking the kids? I’ll share that bad news with you in excruciating detail and won’t let you off the phone.

I hesitate to mention it, but $500 per month will unleash a tsunami of bad news. I can’t even hint at what it is, but the idea of picking up the phone, checking email or reading text messages will give you tremors. It’s the value pack of life-altering bad news.

No one else can make bad news an art. You owe it to yourself to embrace a better – and worse – way of getting bad news. Visit my Patreon page and subscribe. I promise you’ll regret it.

Okay, no joking about this: My friend Don Durham is committed to overcoming food insecurity by growing food to give away. You can support his work by visiting and subscribing,