Pandemic Journal, Entry 5: How I Would Change Random Hollywood Movies

Shawshank Redemption
I haven’t watched this but I would definitely remove any trace of redemption. Retitle it Shawshanked and make sure the action delivers on the title.

The Rock
Let’s get real. Sean Connery circa 1996 is not James Bond Sean Connery by any stretch of the imagination. And the Nic Cage of 1996 is not the….well, who cares? So they both die mid-movie but here’s the twist–the bad guys still lose. That’s because Commander Anderson (Michael Biehn) and his SEALs aren’t stupid enough to emerge from an underground tunnel and choose to be slaughtered. Nope. They HALO in and lock that shit down. Who’s the man now, dog?

Captain Phillips & Pirates of the Caribbean
Yeah, what’s going on here? Simple: I need a way to put Johnny Depp in the crosshairs of a SEAL sniper. Mashup. He’s the Somali Pirate of the Caribbean. Boom. Done. You’re welcome.

Leaving Las Vegas
Nic Cage again? This one’s easy. He dies in an opening credits montage. Elisabeth Shue sees his bloated body floating in the hotel pool and questions her career choices. Fast forward and she’s left Las Vegas for a career as a GSA accountant, living in Maryland. She has a cat.

Star Wars
I’ll ask the Star Wars subreddit what changes will make them angriest. Then I’ll make every last one of those changes.

Requiem for a Dream
You think this is already dark? Hold my beer. The refrigerator will be the main character and nobody’s getting out of this with both arms.

Shoot ‘Em Up
I love this movie simply because there’s no feasible way to include any more shooting. So add an hour-long post-credits sequence that’s just Clive Owen shooting people.

Home Alone
Vinny Gambini (Joe Pesci), the attorney from My Cousin Vinny, defends the McCallister family against charges of child abandonment. Peter McCallister (John Heard) dies a broken man.

Mission Impossible–Rogue Nation
Ethan hunt (Tom Cruise) discovers that The Syndicate is actually…wait for it…Scientology.

John Wick
John Wick’s dog lives.